Social (and Sociological) Sunday

We just got back from a loverly BBQ at my friend Forte’s.  There were plenty of friends, kids, good drink and food.  And the weather held—-sun and warm breezes despite the forecast of thunderstorms. It was really very pleasant.

I was rather traditionally feminine today, which felt nice.  I wore a very pretty sundress, pulled my hair back in pretty gold combs, put on make-up.  I even shaved.  I go back and forth over cosmetics and shaving.  On the one hand, it feels like a lot of fucking work and I’m annoyed that they feel “required” to be the right kind of feminine.  On the other hand, freshly shaved legs and glossy lips do feel awfully good.  I do these things very infrequently, and I like that—-it feels like dressing up, like play and it’s freeing to only do them when the mood strikes me.  However, because I do them so infrequently, it’s very noticeable when I do it—people comment, sometimes ask why (which I never really know how to answer).  It’s not altogether uncomfortable for me.  I mean, it’s sort of the point, no?  I am generally good at accepting compliments.  And I suppose I’d be annoyed if I went through all the work on altering my appearance only to have no one bat an eye.  But it does make me wonder how people see me on my “normal me” days—a slob?  unattractive?  unfeminine?  At the end of the day, I obviously don’t care much either way and I’m happy with my public persona and I’ll keep going the way I’ve been going.  I just like to think about these things.

My approach to femininity and appearance are, as always, complicated by being fat.  On my worst days, I don’t bother with the conventional trappings of modern Western femininity because I fear people will see me and think “omg, why does she even bother?”  And on really high self-esteem days, I get all dolled up as part of my fat positivity stick-it-in-your-face personal politics.  I guess most of my days are somewhere in between those two, so I simply don’t bother with too much of the work of striving to traditional standards of womanliness.  My normal daily wardrobe is a long full skirt with a low-cut bright colored top and sandals (or boots and tights in cold months).  My curly, unruly hair is usually down (more like “out”) with little thought to style or accessories and the only jewelry I wear on a regular basis is my wedding ring.  I’m likely to have very chipped polish on my bitten-to-the-quick nails.  I do like to try and match my purse to my outfit, or at least not clash (ie, a brown and gold outfit will make me move everything out of my silver/black/purple purse).  I don’t even own a pair of heels that I would wear out of the bedroom.

I’ve been avoiding the term “femme” through this post.  I think that probably deserves a post of its own.

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